Friday, February 15, 2013

LOVE and PINK! (vday party photo overload)

Good morning!

Last night was a great success and I'm not even mad that I probably got diabetes from eating so many sweets. I woke up this morning and saw all the pink still up in my living room and it made my hang-over just slightly easier to handle. Thanks so much to the girls who came, I am so lucky to have such a good group of friends and I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than with you girls! Now get ready for picture overload:








and naturally...


Hope you have a good weekend! <3

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

LOVE questions, answered.

Good morning, tiny dancers. Valentine’s day is TOMORROW and naturally, I am beyond pumped. As I’ve mentioned before, I am throwing a Valentine’s Day party for my girl friends so be prepared for picture overload Friday. As for today,  I have taken it upon myself, as a love expert to answer a few burning questions that I’ve seen posted online. As always, I’m sure you will find my answers extremely helpful.

Okay, there is this guy, I have known him for a bit now, we had one class together last fall and he would not talk to me at all. We had to work together once for some project, and he would not look my direction or say a word. I just assumed he didn't like me, and at that time I didn't really care.

This semester we have another class together, and for some reason when I walked into that class I felt attracted to him. I waved to him and he waved back, but when I tried to make conversation he wont look at me at all, He talks with me for just a bit ( I start every conversation) but then stops talking after a few minuets if I don't keep it going.

I have a hard time making eye contact with anyone so I have no idea what he would do if we did, but I have noticed out of the corner of my eye he is sometimes staring at me and I have made him laugh before, but today I sat next to him and neither of us said a word.  What do you think and how is the best way to try to flirt with him?


It sounds like this guy is a pretty big loser. Guys who are shy are most likely rapists/murderers so my advice to you is to go get ‘em, lady! It sounds like you have some issues of your own if you fear eye contact so he could very well be your soul mate – do.not.let.him.out.of.your.sight. When he leaves class next time, follow him out from a few feet behind. Just as he is about to enter his car, sprint up to catch up with him and jump into his passenger’s seat. He may be slightly caught off guard but he will likely be too big of a pansy to argue with you. Go home with him and barricade yourselves inside, neither of you have much to offer the outside world anyway.

You are welcome.
Kasey

I told this boy I would like to know him better and he said "ok go ahead. ask whatever you want"
The thing is I'm very shy and I don't know what to ask or where to start. Could you give a few topics or questions I could do? I would really appreciate it

You poor sweet girl. When a man tells you to ask “anything you want,” you should not hesitate. Here are a few questions you need to ask ASAP:

“Do you have a savings account?”
If yes à “Can I borrow some money indefinitely?”
If no à “Does your family come from money and if so, how quickly after meeting them would it be appropriate for me to ask them to borrow some money?”

and of course,

“How much money do you plan on spending on my engagement ring?”

You are welcome,
Kasey

I want to propose to my girlfriend soon but I am concerned I am doing it too quickly. We have only been together for 7 months but I think I really love her. Should I wait or is it true that if you know, you know?

Heyyyyyyy ;). I think you are definitely moving too soon. There are plenty of fish in the sea, buddy. Look at me, for instance. I don’t like to brag but I’m a great catch and while you’re busy planning an engagement to your girlfriend, I’m getting prettier and prettier by the minute. Have you even seen your girl without makeup? Because I have.


If that is what you want in life, have at it my friend but I’m warning you – Tread lightly.

You are welcome,
Kasey


For those of you who hate Valentine’s Day, don’t think of it as “Single Awareness Day,” think of it as a day to celebrate THE COLOR PINK. I don't know about you but I can celebrate that all year round.



Monday, February 11, 2013

Throw Me A Bone, Saint Valentine

With Valentine’s day only a few days away, love is really in the air. Well, at least that’s what I’ve been told although I can’t catch a whiff of it to save my life. Frankly, I have to say that with the combination of my sparkling personality and impeccable good looks, I’m a little surprised nobody has tried to put a ring on this finger yet.

Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to this face for life?

I don’t like to brag, but I really have my ducks in a row. I mean, most of the ducks are dead because I forgot to feed them but they are in a straight line, damn it.

When I walk into a room, it immediately gets classier. I haven’t punched anyone in the face in over a week and in my defense, it was his own fault for forgetting to give me my pickle with my ham sandwich.

Speaking of class, you will never catch me at a bar without at least 2 drinks in hand. Isn’t that what every guy wants in the girl he brings home to his mom?

And assuming you catch me on one of the days I showered, I smell like a rose garden.

I don’t require much in a man, really. I mean, sure I have a few deal breakers like the basics:
1.    Eating any sort of condiment within the first month of knowing me. This one is pretty standard, I would guess. I mean, what if he goes in for the kiss and there’s still a bit of mustard in his mouth?  I will head-butt your ass.
2.    Any sort of jewelry what-so-ever, even if your dead grandfather gave it to you. I mean, no disrespect… RIP and all but the jewelry has got to go.
3.    Men with small dogs. (Disgusting.)

So throw me a bone here, Saint Valentine. A non-dressing eating, family-oriented, hilarious and rich man-shaped bone please.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Weekend Recap + A Few How To's

Happy Monday, sweet chinchillas. This weekend my parents, brother, Monica and I made a trip to my parent’s lake house and enjoyed a jam packed weekend o’ fun. Unfortunately after chugging bottle after bottle of Riesling, my weekend can only be recalled via the photos below:







As we are all aware by now, excessive alcohol intake increases brain power so needless to say, I have tons of great knowledge to share with you people.

HOW TO CAPTURE A MALE'S ATTENTION:
Even at the lake house, I try to look my best. All of the men in the area have at least four teeth so I needed to be prepared to be swept off my feet at any minute. With the outfit below, I think I could have pulled men with even up to six or seven teeth!




To get this look, simply avoid the shower and your comb all weekend long. Go to your dad’s sock drawer and find his most business professional socks to pair with some water shoes and to keep the look classy, never put your alcoholic beverage down.

HOW TO GET YOUR MAN IN CHECK:
Create a pie chart that breaks down your wants and needs. If you don’t tell him, how will he possibly know? Along with your personalized pie chart, attach a progress report to let him know how he is doing. Have him get it signed by his parent or guardian and return back to you ASAP.

 

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN INTERESTED:
Show up to his house drunk wearing two different shoes. Please note one is a flat and one is a heel.

  

Linking up with Sami today for the weekend update!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Many Faces of KMT

For starters, my normal, every day 100% sober face:


My second most natural face: The look of terror before battling a wild cat.  This one is an especially tricky one because I'm not really terrified at all, it's simply an act to get the upperhand. Gets 'em everytime.
Kasey: 4 // Wild Cats: 0


The only cat that truly terrifies me is my own.



Then of course, my most seductive look. I use this pretty little number when trying to holler at men sitting on the patio when I'm inside of a restaurant. Works everytime, ladies.
Warning: You get quite a bit of dust in the mouth during this process.


Another look that really gets the men going:


And lastly, the look you hope you will never have to see in person.
My angry face. The one I have on 100% of the work day, during my daily commute and when the bartender doesn't bring my next drink promptly after my first was completed.



Happy Thursday, party people.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Traffic Jam? Drink It Off.

Typically I like to think of myself as a pretty relaxed, worry-free gal thanks to my anti-anxiety pills mixed with the alcohol that is constantly running through my veins but I can’t deny the fact that traffic really gets me heated. I work only 10 minutes from my apartment to avoid having to attend weekly anger management sessions but this morning it took me damn near two hours to get to work.

About fifteen minutes into my travel, I hadn’t even been able to move an inch so I grabbed a wine bottle from the collection I keep in my back seat for emergencies like such and chugged just enough to keep me sane. To be clear, I have excellent work ethic and would never normally consider drinking before work but I figured I’d sober up by the time I got there so why not?

Thirty minutes later, I had moved just barely 2 car links and finished one whole bottle of wine. (It was white wine, you judgmental asshole.) I was feeling pretty buzzed when I rolled up next to a real dream boat of a man dressed in his finest business professional attire so I rolled my window down and motioned for him to roll his down too so I could holler at him. Despite my uncombed hair, he rolled it down and I asked if I could climb into his car for a bit since the traffic wasn’t moving. For some reason, he seemed a little put off by my request but before he could answer, I was in his car anyway. You gotta be aggressive, ya heard?

Anyway, one thing led to the next although I can’t put a finger on exactly what things they were because I blacked out for a bit -- but the next thing I know, we are making out pretty hard. At this point, I am confident that marriage is most certainly in our future when he opens the passenger door and literally kicked me out of his car onto the toll way. It seems we had moved quite a bit because my car was miles behind me and people were honking at the stalled vehicle.

Feeling a little hung over, I sprinted back to my car and finally started making some progress on the road. I was only about 4 minutes away from work at this point but felt it was only appropriate to keep drinking to avoid the hangover so I grabbed another bottle of wine and started chugging away. Drunk again and only seconds away from work, I pulled over on the side of the highway as I am adamantly against drunk driving and called my coworker to come pick me up and take me the rest of the way to work.

I showed up at 10 am, just 2 hours late and only slightly intoxicated. I don’t feel great about this morning’s commute but at least I didn’t run anyone off the road this time so I think my life coach would be proud.

Baby steps.

Monday, January 28, 2013

FREE CAT!


Hello friends. I really slacked off quite a bit last week on my blogging and I would love to make it up to you today by offering you something you absolutely will not be able to live without. This is something that will be incredibly hard for me to part with but because I care about you so very dearly, I will deal with the pain and sorrow.


I am here today to offer you my sweet, sweet cat, Nine. (Read about how he got his name here.)




This adorable little prize comes with so many perks! First and foremost, he is one lazy bastard so you won’t have to worry about playing with him at all. In fact, I should warn you that you probably should not attempt to play with him unless you enjoy getting bit really, really hard. He’s joking, obviously so if/when he bites you, please don’t judge him or punish him; just laugh it off and then make an appointment with your doctor immediately as he does have a slight case of Rabies.
 

Another little perk that Nine offers is the extra layer of fur your clothes will undoubtedly have on them at all times. It’s very fashionable, really and employers/significant others love it! In the event you don’t like white cat hair all over your work attire, which is highly unlikely, you may attempt to bring your clothes to the drycleaner where they will likely be rejected on the spot no matter how much extra you offer to pay. Not even the high powered vacuums at the car wash will help you out in this case so I suggest you just start seeing the cat hair for what it really is: a fashion statement. Others may be behind the curve on this trend but they will catch up once they see how you rock it.



One of my all-time favorite things that Nine does, that I’m fairly certain you too will enjoy is the way he always seems to find the room in the house that echoes the most and meows at the very top of his lungs while you sleep. Please do not depend on him as an alarm clock as he only does this in the middle of the night. There's nothing better to wake up to in my book.


I will warn you though, he’s slightly high maintenance. He requires regular feedings which, if neglected will result in hours of loud meowing and occasionally some face-biting. In the event you are out of cat food, you may consider feeding him other foods such as dog food, apples, toothpaste, old chicken or canned green beans but I can assure you that he won’t even bother to try them. In this situation, it is best to keep him in a small, sound-proof box until you are able to get the appropriate food. He will likely come out very angry so beware.


If you notice him panting like the picture below, he is most likely dehydrated because you have neglected to give him water. Don’t beat yourself up about it, simply open your toilet and he will be good to go.


If nothing else, he works great as a dog toy! Riley loves chewing on his head and I enjoy watching so it’s a win-win for all parties. With that being said, he is now missing just one ear but I can assure you, it only makes him cuter!


To win, simply comment below and the lucky winner will be chosen randomly. I will throw him in a pillow case and deliver him to your home personally because I truly do care about my readers! No background check required.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

A Resume From The Desk Of A Genius



Today at work I was recruiting for a fairly high-level IT role that I had previously posted on CareerBuilder when I received the following resume in my inbox:

  

If you care about your future at all, please take a moment to compare this to your own resume or just go ahead and copy and paste that gem onto a blank Word document and use it as your own because that right there is GOLD, people. When I receive a resume of this caliber, I drop everything I am doing and call them immediately because as a great recruiter, I know this kind of candidate won’t be in the market long. 
 
Side note: I deleted the contact information but her name was not even capitalized which is how I knew this was the candidate for the job.

Me: Hello, this is Kasey and I just received your resume for the IT position you applied for and it looks absolutely perfect, is now a good time to talk? (Gosh, I’m so professional.)
Candidate: Yeah hi, I got time.
Me: Okay great, so tell me a little about your recent role there at… The call center? What company is that?
Candidate: (Company name), yeah I answer the phone and make sells.
Me: Yeah I see that, that’s perfect! So do you do any IT work there at all?
Candidate: IT???
Me: Yes, the role you applied for was an IT position… Technology?
Candidate: IT??? Yeah I got a computer.
Me: Perfect! Yeah, your resume looks great. Did you have any previous jobs before you were an “assistance?”
Candidate: Yeah I was a team lead at my last job and I was working in a call center before that.
Me: Okay, and why didn’t you include that on your resume?
Candidate: Oh I just didn’t.
Me: That makes sense, great! Well what pay rate are you looking for?
Candidate: Anything that don’t pay $10 dollars is fine with me.
Me: Well this pays $40/hr so I’m going to go ahead and send you over to my client if you are comfortable with that?
Candidate: Okay cool, thank you! I look forward to hearing back!



Will she get the job? I’m not a betting woman but if I were, I would say the odds are definitely in her favor.

(I apologize if that happens to be your resume - that’s just really bad luck on my part. On the other hand, I would be shocked if this candidate knew how to read.)

Monday, January 21, 2013

FREE iPHONE 5!


I have some amazing, jaw-dropping information for iPhone users this evening! I am coming at you today as the proud owner of a FREE iPhone5. WHAT KASEY?! IS THIS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SICK JOKES? No, I would never betray you like that.  

Apparently Target and Radio Shack have a program where if you give them your old iPhone they will give you the upgrade for the difference. Disclaimer:  YOU DO NEED AN UPGRADE. I had the iPhone 4s (BROKEN) and I exchanged it for the 5 and somehow ended up also getting money back?! (A fifteen dollar gift card to Target which naturally I already spent on an adorable seafoam+gold phone cover.) 

Don’t act like you aren’t impressed right now. 

In other news, I have Valentine’s Day fever REAL hard. Despite the fact that I am single, the bright colors really speak to my soul so when I see an aisle full of hot pink/red, I can’t help but get really, really pumped.  Most of my single friends don’t share the same passion but this year I am going to change that by throwing a ladies’ night Valentine’s Day party! 

Alcohol + food + pink + friends + pink + pink pinata + food (dyed pink) = best night of our lives. AmIright?



How cute are the invitations? (It's even more vibrant in real life but I had some issues getting the picture to show up here so just back off.) If you haven’t heard of PaperlessPost.com, you should go right now. Cutest . Cards. Ever. There's an app for it too! [Red stamp has some cute e-cards as well!]


Please note that it is MIDNIGHT and I AM STILL AWAKE on A WEEKNIGHT.  I’m on fire tonight, I tell ya. [I apologize in advance for my hair tomorrow.]

Side note: I am fairly certain that I heard a knock on the door tonight at 11 pm (Riley didn't even bother to bark so who knows where her loyalties lie.) and I'm terrified it was a murderer. If you read this and never hear from me again, please find out details about my funeral, attend it and pretend to cry really hard -- I could use the extra headcount. 


Thursday, January 17, 2013

So Much Love In One Room

I usually avoid serious topics on the blog but I don’t want to forget this day, even though it was a particularly hard one.

Today, around 9 pm we said goodbye to my grandmother, who was 85 years old. My brother and I went up to see her around lunch time because we knew she was not doing well but after seeing her, we realized the situation was probably worse than we thought so I called into work the rest of the day. The nurse told us she didn’t think it would be long before Grammy would take her last breath so we called the rest of the family and within hours, 20+ people were packed like sardines in my grandmother’s room to say their goodbyes.

My Grammy was a mother of 6, a grandmother of 12, a great-grandmother of 2 (one in the womb!) and a friend to many but she never ran out of love in her heart and as today confirmed, that love was not unrequited.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have been loved by that woman and to be a part of such a wonderful, loving and supportive family. As I looked up today and saw my dad, mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends all holding each other together, I felt so unbelievably grateful for the family that my grandparents have created.

Most of us left around 8 pm when the nurse told us she thought it would most likely be tomorrow and at 9 pm, I got the call from my dad saying she had passed. At first I was so upset that we had just left but my cousin called and reminded me that it was what Grammy had wanted; she went on her own terms so she could stand tall for all of her grandchildren and died peacefully with her children and husband in the room.



I have never seen a love quite like the love my grandfather had for my grandmother. He was holding her hand, hugging on her, kissing her and telling her how much he loved her all day today but that is honestly no different than any other day he was with her. This will be especially hard for him so please keep him in your prayers.



I will always love you, Grammy.